Wednesday, December 21, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Santa's Reindeer Exposed!

Rudolph resting at the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
photo courtesy of Alaska Department of Fish and Game

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow
 antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November  to  mid-December. Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers until after they
give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
every single one  of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a female. And that means only
female reindeer would be able to  drag a jolly old fat man in a poorly fitted red velvet
suit all around the world in one  night;

The quote above is a summary of the shocking gender bending expose' making the rounds on the Internet.       My friends at Michigan Department of Natural Resources had "No Comment!"

And below, more evidence I scanned from the Internet that supports the racuous rumor good old Santa has an all female crew hauling their scantly clad thick reindeer rumps around the world 
to make him look good and get the job done right.
Body fat and behavior hints Rudolf might be female.
I wonder if Santa followed a vetting process, or if there was a cover up?

"The mating season depletes males of body fat, leaving them with just 5 percent on their
scrawny frames by Christmas Eve. Females, on the other hand, retain 50 percent of their body fat. They'd be in shape to haul Santa. The extra body fat on females during winter which can be a
couple of inches thick on their rumps, keeps the reindeer toasty in temperatures as low as minus 
45 degrees Fahrenheit. And that means females would be prepared for the frantic journey."

Perhaps Rudolph , if female, even whimpered to Santa, "Santa, Does this harness make my
rump look fat to you?"

If you believe in elves--why not believe  that!

The FACTS I sifted out of the seasonal myths, mayhem and madness follows:

1. Reindeer males (bulls)  and females (cows) both have antlers.
2. Most bulls drop their antlers before the fat man in the red suit goes for his famed ride.
3. But wildlife biologists state: Some of the younger more studly bulls carry their antlers
 into spring and THAT MEANS  some may well still be adorned on Christmas Eve.

So what does this all mean?

If you think a reindeer powered sled can carry ten zillion trillion toys and circumnavigate the
Earth in one night while avoiding hostile air defense and missile systems and get the delivery right without the help of GPS you are going to believe just anything.  All this without stopping to ask directions!  And that means we can not disprove that Rudolph and his gang of hoofed companions are female with the certainty Alaskan wildlife bilogists claim they are.  Maybe they are testosterone stoked hoofed dudes just like a friendly elf  living under a colorful 
Amanita mushroom in my snowless woods told me. Perhaps Santa told the truth!
Perhaps not.
If Santa does not watch his own health and weight does he care about sexing his reindeer?

But if Santa reads my ramble and my politcally incorrect comment "Fat man in red velvet
 suit", you can bet your milk and cookies one thing:
I will not be on the "NICE" list.
It's a lump of coal for me.
But NAUGHTY can be NICE  when science supports nature's way.
p.s. Merry Christmas!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, this made me laugh out loud! Great post! Happy Holidays!

December 21, 2011 at 2:27 PM 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home