Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Open Letter of FINAL WARNING to a Squirrel!

photos by Jonathan Schechter
January 3rd, 2012

Dear Mr. Squirrel:  Here's the deal. Listen up and pay attention!  A few days before New
Year's Eve you discovered my BIRD feeding station. Please note the word BIRD.  It is NOT a
squirrel feeding station! You Mr. Fox Squirrel (For humans reading this fox squirrel is the
 species of  squirrel in these pictures) are meant to be hanging out in leafy nests high up in oak
trees and  munching on black walnuts and acorns.
You are not!

 From sunrise to sunset you are at my feeders. You sit in the platform feeder swinging away
and spilling a good portion of the seed in the process and eat the rest. When chickadees or
other small birds fly in you brace yourself and almost swat at them. 
That is just rude and must stop!
And now when it gets windy  you move to my window feeder and you climb
 inside and actually sprawl your pathetic body out on the seed as you eat like a
FAT FARM PIG* and ignore my tapping from my side of the window.
 (*Sorry farm pigs, no insult intended) 
This too must stop!
This may be politically incorrect but fact of the matter Mr. Squirrel; Just look at yourself!
You are becoming a morbidly obese ball of  lazy fur and if you think in spring a foxy lady
squirrel is  going to want any of your fat tail, you have another think coming. 
 I do not know if you are susceptible to  heart disease but your days are numbered.
And here are the two main reasons:
1. You are becoming too fat to escape from a fox or coyote.
2. You are already too fat to scurry from a red-tailed hawk.

And if you do not pay attention to my warning and get back to your wilder ways of life
I have a good friend who told me that seed fed squirrel meat is just delicious.
Respectfully yours and with best regards,
Jonathan

6 Comments:

Blogger bgrig said...

Good luck Mr. Squirrel.....sounds like he means business!!!

January 4, 2012 at 7:59 AM 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I know that squirrel!!!!

January 4, 2012 at 8:08 AM 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah some squirrels can become a pest, but they are only doing what comes naturally. We have people on welfare that act the same way.

January 4, 2012 at 9:50 AM 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks like you need to come up with a new feeder. Haha Love the pictures!

January 4, 2012 at 10:00 AM 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I just spent $72 in "bird feed" - I have resorted to getting a large variety so there is enough for everyone - otherwise the birds get the shaft! Doesn't matter that I have several oaks and hickories not to mention 4 walnut trees(of which, most of the walnuts get hidden in my garage). Every morning, I can feel about 15 pairs of eyes on me while I serve breakfast...as they casually come yawning and stretching down from their nests. One always seems to get the top of the tube feeder and gets in...one of these days, he'll get stuck and I'll have to extricate him!

January 4, 2012 at 2:34 PM 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John, your humor is great as always and your pictures are awesome-r! Good luck with the squirrel.

E.S.3

January 27, 2012 at 1:44 PM 

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